"To eat is a necessity, but to eat intelligently is an art." - La Rochefoucauld

Monday, February 14, 2011

Defeated

When baby four came, I really felt like I knew what I was doing. I felt like Lana had the best chance in the world due to all of my "experienced" knowledge. As I mentioned before, my twins were bathed in chemicals and drank from bottles riddled with BPA. Very sad!! But by the time baby four came, I was the green queen! :) HA! Not really...but I made significant improvements in my prenatal care. From my green smoothies, Cod Liver Oil, breastfeeding, green personal care products, homemade baby food, etc...I thought this kid has the best chance in the world! For the first 17 months of her life she has been a vibrant, happy, chubby, healthy baby. The sentence "I never worry about Luke and Lana's health" has come out of my mouth so many times. They have been so healthy from day one.

Most of my energy and worry was always focused on my twins, who were ten weeks premature. Kevin and I spent years worrying about their health and trying to protect them from illness. Just in the last few years we really started to let go of that worry and enjoy our healthy kids.

That all came to a screeching halt on February 1, 2011 when I found my little girl seizing in her bed. It was by the grace of God that I found my baby when I did. The part that frightens me is that she was perfectly fine when I put her to bed, with the exception of a runny nose.

That night, I gave her some homeopathic remedies and laid her down. She was smiling and happy. Kissed her good night and then one hour later saw a vision that I would hope most people would go their whole life without seeing. The seizure lasted an hour until she was sedated and started having difficulty breathing. At this point she had to be put on a ventilator. Watching the docs work on here was a horrific sight. My husband and I just clung to her little pjs and prayed, prayed, and prayed some more. It truly was an out of body experience and we thought our life was about to change forever. Awful thoughts were going through my head...like how do we tell her brothers, who love her so much, that we lost her. I know..I know...just awful thoughts.

Once she was stable, we were concerned about brain damage. The doctors told us it was a waiting game at this point. Around 4 am, she opened her eyes, looked at me and said mommy. It was such a beautiful sound. We knew then that she was going to be ok.

Her recovery was slow but she is back to her playful, happy self. We are completly amazed at how resilient the human body is. We feel like we have been truly blessed to witness yet another miracle in our life.

Lana is doing very well, now. We are doing our research and trying to figure out the best plan moving forward. She was diagnosed with a complex febrile seizure caused by a high fever/virus. Her seizure is rare for two reasons: 1) It lasted more than 15 minutes and 2) her eyes rolled to the left side which indicated an atypical seizure. However, since they ruled out every thing else and our house was hit with a virus, it indicated it was indeed a febrile seizure. Why complex....we are not sure.

Unfortunately, my baby is on an anti-seizure medication as a result of her complex seizure. This makes me sad but also gives me comfort right now. I am very fearful of this happening again. Once your brain goes down a certain path, it has a comfort level of going down that path again. So I am back to feeling nervous about germs and illness again. I'd love to put her in a bubble for the next few years but I know that is a foolish thought.

So why defeated?? I have dedicated so much time to trying to keep my family healthy and when I saw Lana going through what she did, I felt like I did something wrong? I doubted my parenting decisions. I couldn't believe it was happening to my healthiest child. I have learned that febrile seizures happen to healthy children all the time but the question WHY can't stop going through my mind. I could choose to stop trying and dwell on the "what if's" or I could move on and continue to fight for my daughter and her optimal health. It is very hard to move past the fear and anxiety but I am trying very hard to use all of that energy and make it positive. I will say that I am 100 times more cautious about homeopathy and herbal supplements. I am going to postpone my use of them with Lana until I have a better understanding of what happened.

Defeat is slowly turning into motivation. I am praying that education and time will heal the anxiety. Thank you so much to my friends and family...for your patience and love. Life is certainly different now. Different because we have a new challenge on our plate. A challenge of setting aside our fear and using our energy to make a difference. At the end of the day, we are feeling so much gratitude for our four healthy, active, vibrant children. Every day is truly a gift.

5 comments:

Christina said...

Danielle, my heart just breaks for you. I truly cannot wrap my mind around what your experience must have been like or the anxiety you are now left with. I have no words to make this better, but hope you take some comfort in all the love and prayers surrounding you. Please do not doubt yourself as a mother --as I've said before, we are all just doing the best with can with the information we have. YOu go above and beyond on so many fronts, and your children so blessed that God picked you for their mama. Remember that always!!(((hugs)))

Learning As I Go Blog said...

Thank you!! XOXO

Sharon said...

Danielle, my thoughts and prayers are with your family. Lana is lucky to have such a strong, caring and loving mommy! Hang in there and hopefully everything will work itself out and you won't ever witness another seizure. Lauren just started having seizures (not as scary as Lana's)and it is a horrible experience to go through and not be able to do anything to stop them.

Don't ever feel defeated, you are doing the most awesome job, stay strong!

Sharon

Kara said...

I am so sorry, Danielle, that you had to go through this. My heart aches for you and for the fear you must have felt and are probably still feeling. You are an amazing mother. We have had 100s of conversations and you are such a wonderful person, mother, and friend. Never doubt that!! Lots of love and hugs!! xoxoxo

Maria said...

I like hearing the words "positive" and "make a difference" from you. That's what you always turn to and what has made you the awesome mama you are today! YOu take these sad and trying situations and you work your little tail off to educate yourself on making a difference. You have touched so many lives from sharing your experiences on this blog (and my life with our daily phone calls) and we thank you for opening your heart to all of us!!! We are lucky to have such a super mom and friend in our lives!!!!